All These Weight Bearing Structures

Welcome, lovely humans, to The Painted Presence Project, where I plan to paint in silence for ten minutes a day for thirty days, all on the same 11 x 15 inch piece of watercolour paper. While this studio diary will only include images, there are full length videos available on Patreon!

This is a time lapse of the last seven days of the practice, and you’ll find my thoughts about this project so far beneath it.

Note, for those that aren’t aware, I had two retinal detachments since October 14th. I’ve had surgery on my right eye twice, and received the news that my left eye is beyond repair. I’m an artist who may go blind, and I am having feelings about that while also somehow maintaining my sense of humour, enjoying my life, and yes, painting.

I think I’m kind of a bad ass. 🙂

THOUGHTS ON THE PROJECT SO FAR

Yesterday was spent mostly quiet, in the nest, listening to an audiobook and checking in on the socials when my eyes would let me. I surrendered fully to the “on and off” nature of my vision. This surrender felt incredible. Almost euphoric. Like “Okay, fine. This is where I’m at right now. I can let that be what it is. I have other senses. Let me use them.” Gentle bliss ensued.

Margaret Atwood’s new book has been in my ears this week. I keep rewinding because I keep drifting off, but there’s no frustration in this. Her voice is a constant, soothing companion. The stories of her life are getting into me at a cellular level. The things we have in common delight and astonish me. It’s a lovely immersion in the world of one of my favourite poets and authors. She’s been excellent company.

I find myself battling this new layer of trauma a bit here and there all the same. I am very aware that my retina could quit me at any point. There’s a lot of box breathing and naming five things I can see, four things I can hear, etc. over here. The terror is real and valid, and I won’t be told otherwise. Yes, I’ll be okay if I go blind, but I am allowed to feel all kinds of ways about that possibility. I’m allowed to feel sorry for myself about it. I’m allowed to dread it while also doing everything in my power to prevent it.

My sense of humour has been a load bearing structure. So has Guillermo Del Toro’s “Frankenstein” and the lovely (new) connections I’ve been making on on X. My usual cohort of ride or dies on Facebook are doing a LOT to prop me up, and then there are my kids. The ones that are still speaking to me, that is. Four out of five at the moment, and yes this is a regular thing where someone in the fold cycles out of it for a while. I’m resigned to it. Not happy about it, but resignation and letting them be who they are is the only way I know how to let them be who they are.

Last night was spent upright in the nest on Zoom with GG, talking music, consciousness, trauma, childhood, and resilience. We shared songs with each other while we talked and it was a gorgeous, still point of grace and peace. My meatspace friends are offering casseroles, drives, and company. My virtual friends are offering check ins and memes, gift certificates to Collage Soup (THANK YOU BETTINA!), e-cards (THANK YOU SUE!) and…well. Pure love.

I am noticing how lucky I am. How rich in friendship. I’m clinging to that for all I’m worth.

As for the practice…

I am really excited about where this is going now. I’ve figured out how to be with this painting for ten minutes at a time, and I’m enjoying the slow unfolding and contrasting it with the usual slap and dash thing I have to do because deadlines are a thing and I am not very organized. I’m learning a ton about what the kind of slow cooked painting process leads to.

Quiet satisfaction. Nothing for the gaze of others.

The time spent, the marks made, the sense that I’m being visited and attended to by the Invisibles is very strong.

This week’s video includes a remix of the song “The Painted Presence”, because the first mix is too bright for my current headspace. I am *in love* with writing lyrics and prompting for compositions and vocals that bring them to life. That’s also a load bearing structure right now, and I’m grateful that I have this opportunity to give my younger self, who was VERY musically inclined, but living too chaotic a life to pursue it in any real way, the chance to experience what it’s like to hear something that expresses what’s in her heart via the medium of music. I’m not out here trying to pass myself off as a pop star, though. I’m just using the substrates and mediums that are available to me so my head doesn’t pop right off my neck in protest over all there is to feel.

Creativity is how I anchor myself to the planet. Without it, I would not be here. I hope you’re celebrating that with me as we continue on this journey together.

See you tomorrow,
xo
Effy

Here’s the project so far. 

P.S. If you want the “week one” speed painting, you’ll find that here along with the much brighter first version of “The Painted Presence”.

P.S. Again. Folks who are in my classes over on Into The Wild (my teaching network) or Patreon are getting video content every day throughout the course of this challenge. Folks who are subscribed to my YouTube channel will be getting video updates weekly or so. There may be stuff going up on TikTok. There will definitely be posts going up on Instagram.

Of course, this spot right here will ALSO serve as my studio diary, so I hope you’ll bookmark the site, and hey! EVEN BETTER! I hope you’ll sign up for the e-list, which I’ll use to let you know when a new post goes live. If you want the project PDF, here you go!